A cinema in Bath has recently employed groups of children with an average age of twelve to talk throughout films with irritating and pointless interjections. The change comes about as reports conclude the majority of kids now stream movies illegally before their official cinematic release, explains manager Phil M. Watcher. "Without kids coming to the cinema, we needed to attract a different audience to pay our extautionally reasonable film prices."
The cinema management team originally used focus groups of elderly men and women from the vicinity to find out what they believed was so special about the cinematic experience. "When I was a boy," a generic old person tells us, "the cinema was all about taking your best gal down to see something special with a bag of your finest humbugs in a brown paper bag. Now it's full of disappointment when you take the same old wrinkled bag to see some crummy animated picture for a month's worth of your pension."
Taking these opinions into account, the cinema management team came up with a new campaign to attract the elderly. "We can't exactly change the films," Phil continues, "so we decided to ensure our customers would be consistently disappointed, helping create a new legacy for the 'authentic cinema experience'."
One of the steps for doing so is the employment of several children from local secondary schools. Responsibilities include frequenting the phrase "that is so obviously animated though" and pointing out the film's flaws whilst rustling packets of sweets and tapping on their new-fangled electronic telephones. Employee Terry Smith explains "the aim is to create an irritating and generally unhygienic aura to disappoint other audience members who thought the cinema could actually be an enjoyable experience."
The cinema also hopes this move will encourage the hatred of teenagers by the elderly, causing children to grow up in a world of disappointment and thus will enjoy the cinema as an extension of their terrible lives.